Retiring the Mushrooms
Nursing homes are depressing places. Myriad grandmothers and grandfathers, reduced to little more than mushrooms, sit, unaware of their own existence. Unable to feed, bathe, or care for themselves, they are not what one would refer to as “viable.”
Moreover, these mushrooms are a drag on their own children. Some cannot afford to care for them and the government should really do more. They are an impediment to travel and self-actualization. Most of these kids never even planned on having parents. And now they are burdened with them.
If you look closely at the Constitution, you’ll discover that this is an infringement on every human’s right to happiness and awesomeness, as well as the separation of self and responsibility.
This cannot stand.
We could hope for a solution in the form of Ethical Suicide Parlors or the Carrousel, but as the concern is really about the Baby Boomers, we know that ain’t gonna happen, so it is up to us to develop a radical legislative solution.
That is why I’m urging all of you to contact your legislators and ask them to support the Forcibly Go Gently Into That Good Night Act of 2013 (FUGGIT). This act would make it legal to “retire” aging citizens who are detrimental to quality of life—our quality of life. Initial options for retirement will consist of ice floes, happy pills, and crack cocaine while hang gliding with hookers. Other options will be introduced in committee.
Additionally, timelines for retirement are delineated. The last thing we want is solipsistic chaos! As waiting for full-blown mushroom status certainly infringes on the aforementioned right to whatever one is in the mood for, we must set standards for pre-mushroom retirements. Rather than set strict guidelines for number of years, though, the recommendation is to weight productivity against resources consumed. When ROI goes negative, then it’s goodnight for grandpa.
Of course, some troglodytes may choose to not retire their aging relatives. They are free to do so, but please ask them to support the FUGGIT Act of 2013. It’s about freedom and, this time, it really is for the children.