Johnny Appleseed
As I evolve, I find my writing more and more frequently focuses on whiskey and fatherhood. Surely there is no correlation. That came to mind as I sipped bourbon and read this article on helicopter parents vs. free range kids (h/t GLP.)
But in their defense, helicopter kids are our future, because career-building, safety, and a fetish for the long-term, early on, are popular themes nowadays. It’s the offspring of the on-top-of-things that make for the flesh and blood of the professional class, i.e. the people who run shit. Brink Lindsey, writing at The Atlantic, complains that the only thing wrong with helicopter parents is that there just aren’t enough of them. He praises their excessive, even “comical” attention to their kids:
“Starting in the 1990s parents began spending significantly more time with their kids,” he tells us. “And there is evidence that the very nature of their parenting style is good for grooming productive workers.”
There are a few piles of bullshit to remove, so excuse me while I grab my shovel.
Pile the first: Apples don’t fall far from the tree. Parents who run shit tend to pass on genes that predispose one to running shit as well as model solid shit-running behavior. Sure, nurture matters, but more as an amplifier than a creator.
Pile the second: Perhaps there aren’t enough helicopter parents, insofar as many kids don’t have parents plural, but if you’ve taken your kids to the playground, their compatriots aren’t suffering from a lack of cloying supervision.
Pile the third: Spending time with kids may be about managing their every minute. Or it may just be spending time with your kids and trying to prevent them from mortally injuring themselves. There are lots of people who don’t run shit, really don’t run shit, who spend large amounts of time with their kids. Those kids are likely not future ambassadors. Apple. Tree.
Pile the fourth: Lindsay the liberaltarian, look it up, really wrote “grooming productive workers.” I’ve nothing against inculcating realistic and admirable goals–I’m raising my daughters to be wives–but, dude, seriously. We’re not China. Yet.
In short, helicopter parenting isn’t a noble strategy, it’s scarcity mentality. It’s oneitis. You spawn after peak fertility–only once–and rickroll your life.
Alas, your efforts are mostly for naught. Apples. Trees. So sit back, pour a glass, and stop trying to control everything. If you’re sentient enough to worry about such matters, your kids will likely be just fine. And if they don’t turn out to be compliant little productive workers, if they develop enough independence to think and to question, then pour yourself a double.
My husband and I were free-range parents to an extreme. We’ve been commented upon many times by friends , police officers, concerned citizens, and well meaning teachers. Being a free-ranger does not mean that there are no limits and boundaries. It just means that the limits and boundaries are wide for the age, and the child will experience the natural consequences of his/her actions.
Once out of the home, our children ( ages 21, 24, 26) have flourished independently.
In your essay, you framed this as a free-ranger/helicopter parenting dichotomy with the outcomes being compliance vrs. independence. Maybe so. Alas, just this week, our son has suffered a major major set back in life goals, due to insufficient compliance at West Point.
I agree about there being boundaries. I should have better framed it as micromanaging parents vs those who are more outcome focused.
Sorry to hear about your son. The cynic in me wonders how much changes to the modern military factored in. That is, would his behavior have been an issue fifty years ago? In any case, you could have been a helicopter parent and he then rebelled against authority.
The whole “productive workers” comment is terrifying. It shows how much the hive mind increases. I want my kids to be productive so they can be healthy, happy, and take care of themselves and their family. This comes across as wanting them to be productive for the good of society in general.
I had the same response. Productivity is good, but aspiring to be a good worker bee is wrong.
@Dr. eric,
How does your goal of “raising my daughters to be wives” square with free range parenting? I don’t see the connection.
Partly I was being humorous and partly I should have better defined how I was using “free range.” My daughters have rules and boundaries; we teach them things. What we don’t do is try to prevent all harm. Better to bleed a little, put on a band aid, and learn a lesson than to grow up in a cocoon. That’s my beef with helicopter parents. They want to plan everything such that their children’s lives are risk-free. It limits them.
As to being wives, I’m just not going to set the expectation that they should get advanced degrees and wait for whatever insignificant milestone before starting a family.
In the realm of risk taking and physical injury, I concur. Be aware, however, that guiding them to take on risk, they will get injured. Many kids sustain broken wrists or small lacerations. Ours have also experience small burns, broken fingers, bad sunburn (preventable,yes), High altitude vomiting, and mild hypothermia.
My husband and I both work in acute care medicine, so have the experience of foreseeing the real vrs. faux risks. The reward for the child is confidence and a wider world of adventure.
Our son, as a side challenge, tried out for the Navy Seal training. He endured the trial and was accepted for training.
As for your daughters, remove any coffee tables in your home. Toddlers and coffee tables don’t mix.