Offspring

UMan, which is apparently my springboard for the week, has had a new conversation spring up on If I Perish, I Perish. Commenter Curious is curious about things, so much so that she should seek a mate in a yellow hat. Two things about which she is curious are marriage and children, specifically why and why. Professor Mentu answered for children and because a man wants children.

As a married man who has a couple with another on the way, I am compelled to expand on the second why, that is why should a man have kids.

Because you tired of wrapping it up, surprise!, and only children often end up insufferable.

I kid, I kid, except for the true parts. But seriously, kids are great. They suck up a lot of your time and money and you don’t always like them, but when your elder daughter walks up to the family dog and gives that dog a nice big lick across the face, well that’s hilarious. And my vet says as long as the elder isn’t getting diarrhea, it’s okay if she ingests some canine saliva.

There is also the matter of the biological imperative. Our inborn arrogance commands us to create more of ourselves because, hey, ourselves are awesome. Though some disagree with that statement, **cough cough** Captain Capitalism **cough cough**, if Jurassic Park has taught us anything, it’s that life always finds a way, even if that way runs through ego.

So that’s it in a nutshell. There’s really no reason to have kids unless you’re reckless or an egotistical dinosaur. But when they look you in the eye with your eye, smile your crooked smile, tell you they just tore some shit up, and you think, “I tore up that same shit when I was a kid,” then you know that the master plan won’t be deprived of your contributions any time soon.

So pour another whiskey, let the smug overtake you, and remember that you noticed another gleam in your eye while brushing your teeth a few mornings back. For the more of them you have, the less attention you have to pay to any of them.

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