Vice Presidents really don’t matter, cf. Joe “It was a Successful Dump” Biden. Their only real job is to serve as a competent attack dog and not do any harm. For a notable exception to the aforementioned see Joe “Big Fucking Deal” Biden.
Rumors are starting to swirl around which harmless attack dog Romney will choose and, as a noted Romney supporter myself, I have to register my displeasure with some of the names being floated. Romney seems to be leaning toward a sidekick that is exactly like himself, only blander and more timid. Think Smothers Brothers, but without the musical talents, fights, or general macho bad-assedness.
To rectify this, I’m again offering my free consulting services in the form of this shortlist of better VP options.
1. Sean Payton – Hard hitting, good with secret plans
2. Chuck Norris – Roundhouse kicks
3. Charlie Sheen – He’ll help with the single female vote
4. Dick Cheney – Bionic; will shoot opponents; pro-gay marriage before Obama, which could help swing that interest group into the Romney camp
5. Bill Clinton – He really wants Obama to lose, he will say yes, and he will go to the mats to achieve victory. As such, Slick Willie is the obvious choice.
Romney 2012! – Because fuck it