Graces and Gentlemen
“In truth, politeness is artificial good humor, it covers the natural want of it, and ends by rendering habitual a substitute nearly equivalent to the real virtue.” – Thomas Jefferson
I’ve got a secret to admit. When placed alongside my love of my wife and kids, augmented with my fidelity, and kicked up a notch with a Sunday evening spent cooking, it might get me forcibly removed from several blogrolls.
I am a big fan of old fashioned good manners.
Yes sirs, no ma’ams, pleases, and thank you’s. Pardon me, may I, much obliged, and may I be excused. Such small niceties are the lace on a nightgown, the point after touchdown, that little extra spice that makes existence extra nice.
Lately, it seems the trendsetters revel in their lack of gentility. They are proud of their ignorance regarding basic dinner party silverware rules (start with the outermost utensils and work inward with each successive course.) They know how to back that thing up, but are wholly incapable of dancing a simple box step. They are often held as exemplars because of their money, as paragons of class because they spend on the finer things. They are not classy, they are déclassé.
Lately, my mind has been on manners and my manners on my mind as there has been some discussion as to how door opening is a sign of weakness. Though I basically agree with One, both the original analysis and the clarification offered in the comments, I still think it’s time to bring the tradition back. If your status as a leader is so tenuous as to be effected by opening doors, your status is not actually tenuous, it is cemented. You are not a leader.
If you are not a leader, and you do seek to be one, then there are worse paths to take than basic courtesy, including door opening. As basic etiquette has fallen by the wayside, having a bit of old school class differentiates you from those around you. It’s free, it’s timeless, it’s masculine. Knowing which champagne complements the amuse-bouche, knowing which single malt will best match with your after dinner cigar, and buffering everything in between with a command of decorum will not cause anyone to doubt your status. It is a show of leadership and, as long as you execute it confidently, will be treated as such.
So get over concerns about white knighting or wondering what the Situation would do in your situation and act like an adult who didn’t just crawl out from under a rock.
For the doubters, think of it this way. You are walking into a building. A few seconds behind are a man and a cute girl. They are not together; they are just on the same schedule. You ignore both and walk into the building. You go about your day. Nothing lost, nothing gained.
Now, get into your wayback machine, head back outside, and hold the door open for both. You engage both in a bit of conversation and you get to check out the cute girl’s booty. You just enjoyed two of the finer things in life – conversation and ass. Nothing lost, something gained.
So risk opening a door, you may be surprised as to what opportunities open in front of you as a result. If nothing else, you get to check out the tush of that chickadee who works on the third floor.
Following the rules also gives you an opportunity to look down on those who do not (i.e. an opportunity to show your superiority).
For example, you can look on in disgust at a woman who doesn’t pause to allow you to open the door – some playful, but slightly judgmental statement can then follow. Good things may flow from there.
[Living in the South gives me a different perspective. Even the short-haired punk girls and dirty hippies I used to hang around were perfectly happy to let me open a door or cook me a meal.]
I’ve always done the hold the door behind me after entering, so the next person right behind me can grab it, or if exiting, so someone almost there can grab it. But for women or elderly, I hold it open, and always for anyone with their hands full. I believe in good manners, and I believe at least in the ideal of old-fashioned chivalry, where women act like ladies and men act like gentlemen.
[It is a two-way street. I think, though, that we'd be better served by assuming that people will uphold their end of the bargain than by assuming they will not. I also don't buy that manners are explicitly a sign of subservience.]
You have no idea how refreshing it is to read this.
Although as a woman I do not have to to the full door opening stunt, on passing through a door I always hold the door open so anyone who coming up behind me can catch it, I also hold the door open for elderly people. Men and middle-aged elderly people always thank me, but some younger women do not say thank you, so I know how men feel.
However I keep on doing it because I am not going to let rude people cause me to lose my good manners. The most I might do is to raise my eyebrows if they don’t say thanks. In fairness. all worthwhile people appreciate good manners.
Re pausing, to allow a man to open the door, it is very difficult to know what to do. With older men, I usually pause, but I have given up on this with younger men because they tend to get annoyed at the idea of me pausing, who does she think she is that she expects me to hold the door open, sort of thing. It can actually be quite difficult. Sometimes I dread the sight of a door for this very reason.
[I think too many people spend too much time finding things to be pissed off about]
Holding a door open for someone else – female or not – is a nice gesture.
Unless you’re trying to deliberately be a dick, sometimes it makes sense to be human. People see that. The contrast can baffle and intrigue people. It’s its own kind of game.
Narciso writes about this.
Anyway, we’re not just breeding animals. We’re people, too.
[It seems a fair number of fools will substitute being a dick for more desirable behaviors because it's the easier path.]
Ulysses, this post is excellent.
Maika’i no!
I must say that growing up here on O’ahu — the most populous and greatest mainland-USA, culturally influenced island — this one aspect of the gender war has never really gained too much traction here.
We have this thing we call “aloha spirit” which is probably similar to “southern hospitality.”
Where people, male & female, young & old, consider it a social plus to be courteous and helpful to strangers. It is the tie that binds this place together. It has to be, since Hawaii is certainly the most multi-cultural and polyglot State in the country.
Rude behavior is usually referred to disgustingly as haole.
Many white folks encounter this here, and think that haole is the equivalent to the word “nigger” for people with white skin.
It can be…depending on the context of how the word is used. But it’s far more than just a skin color reference.
White-skin people who understand aloha are accepted into the Hawaiian culture, and even made hanai (similar to adoption) and treated as if they too have Hawaiian blood.
But rude people that display no courtesy and are entirely self-centered?
They ‘re so haole, they don’t even know that they’re haole.
[You bring up an important point with the comment about the ties that bind us together. Some in the manosphere seem to have an underpants gnome approach to fixing the problem in which that second step, which has to include rebuilding those ties, is omitted and yet we still magically get to victory.]
Manners most definitely matter, but sometimes circumstances force you to be a prick.
[Most definitely, but that behavior is an appropriate response to the environment rather than being the norm. Being an occasional dick is much more effective.]
I’m battling ambivalence about manners.
Whittling away all my own internal BS dialog about the matter…
I laud good manners and displays of conscientiousness when they are not driven by ulterior motives (getting in someone’s pants, being recognized in a favorable light by those you seek to impress, etc).
There is a certain strain of ostentatious display of manners I’ve noted amongst certain groups which I find truly distasteful. For instance, I know first-hand of a specific woman who in certain situations is effusive with “thank you so much”‘s and has extensive hang-ups about personal decorum. Yet, she is simultaneously the biggest piece of ghetto self-absorbed trash in the world and will easily treat strangers, with no apparent gifts to impart, like shit.
Reminds me of the old axiom, “Judge a woman by how she treats those who can do nothing for her.”
And of course, since I can find no right with the younger generation as I get older, it seems to me that kids nowadays have absolutely no manners. A broader statement I cannot make!
I find that doors that are hard to open, are fun to let go of at the very last moment, just make sure that you don’t give an indication of exertion. look back over your shoulder and smirk for extra effect.
I’m a fan of manners, butn ot chivalry. I’ll hold the door open for anyone, and treat all people with kindness and respect, but I wont’ treat someone differently because of their gender– and I don’t want to be treated differently because of mine. I think people just need to be nicer, kinder to each other– not do things that are mannerly because it’s the social norm, but because it is a kind thing to do.
[What's wrong with making proper treatment of other people, assuming they uphold their end of the bargain, a social norm?]
Making “proper” treatment of people a norm again is a horrible, horrible idea. Before you scoff let me tell you why. Our society has glorified horrid behavior. Women seem to love it (if some one says NAWALT I will not bother to refute such a claim) and NAM’s seem to love showcasing it. I am polite to people who I think will be polite back. So it is not a ploy to get in some girls pants, but a calculated display of respect. If an old man walks towards a door I will hold it open for him. If some tarted up bink with sweatpants that say “Juicy” across the butt walks by I will actively not hold the door. Like wise if some ghetto trash with pants around kness walks to a door they can get it there own selves.