Piranhas Are a Very Tricky Species
Here at Hidden Leaves, the goal is to help people. And to be obnoxious and ogle hot chickadees. But mostly the focus is help. The percentage of postings oriented toward offering useful advice is definitely above 50%. Sometimes, though, the house does lose. Often this happens when the house gets confused and plays a different game than that the visitor is playing. Such was the case on Wednesday.
When I step back and consider it, I think our conflicts really boil down to her need to feed her ego and her need to feel every bit as good (or better) than a man. I know she was attracted to me and married me because I was man enough to handle her, but I think our conflicts stem from the fact that she is on various levels competing with me. Perhaps I am not handling her so well after all. Do I have to beat her at everything before she will stop competing with me and challenging me when she feels confident?
Though Penelope does not fully occupy the same space as Mrs. Flahute, the competitive part does resonate, as does the delegation of duties. If the wife is really deft at handling some task or arrangement, and the husband is less so and doesn’t enjoy handling it, then letting the wife be in charge in that area is good business. We love our wives, we want them to be valuable, people feel more value when they provide value than when they only consume it.
Alas, catering to that sense of value can ignite the competitive spirit. The competitive spirit, as evinced by the female of the species, is formidable and the male desire to squash it runs deep. I speak from experience. Penelope is an identical twin. Competition began in the womb and has only become muted as a result of geographical distance from the twin; it has never faded completely. As I live with her, a competitive transferral has occurred. When we’re playing a game, that competitive spirit is enjoyable. If it starts trending toward insurrection, we have a problem. Fortunately, there is a solution.
When you sense the missus is getting a little too big for her britches, don’t engage her in competition. Reframe, preferably with a neg or two. She may be your wife, but that doesn’t mean you cannot use the same tactics as those you would use if you were single and on the prowl. “Good thing you have me. If it wasn’t for my connections, that piece of real estate would have cost us a lot more.” “Tis true. Now if you could get me the hookup on a cocktail, a backrub, and a hot homemade meal, we’d actually be getting somewhere.”
That example might seem extreme, but if you deliver such scathing remarks with the right attitude, you’ll disarm her. She’ll be forced to switch from trying to display her higher status to proving that her status is worthy of yours. Once the proper relationship dynamic is restored, then you can offer more genuine praise for her accomplishments. She’s your wife, she did a good job, a little thank you is in order.
But, as I said, I don’t have as much experience with this as some of the other readers. Feel free to chime in. Your comments just might be read by a confused and horny dude who was looking for pictures of Sofia Vergara or Kate Beckinsale. If such an opportunity to spread the gospel to neophytes doesn’t entice you, I don’t know what will.
I think the concept of “competition” in the context of relationships is very intriguing. I think it’s tremendously healthy if tempered with other mature and sublime qualities you bring to the party. Essentially, what is “Game” if not a disguised form of male/female competition?
Competition evolves from the rudimentary maneuvering of a woman’s will in order to sleep with you during the courting stage to a very complex interchange of needs, drives and power plays within the context of a marriage or other LTR.
Ah, we love fiery women . . . until they turn against us. Thanks again Ulysses for your insights. I think the issue runs deeper than a witty riposte or a neg, but I think you are right about focusing on the frame. I need to maintain my frame, be careful of playing into hers, and show her my superiority. Now that I understand what is at stake, I play to win.
Without knowing it, you have hit upon another hot issue. I think I’ll stay away from any scathing remarks, because I know she will have a few of her own. Been there, done that. Two strong-willed people with hot tempers do not fight well. Last summer, engaging her in heated battles did some serious damage. It destroyed her feeling of safety – the comfort side of the PUA equation. Our marriage still hasn’t recovered from that. I know better now, I don’t let things escalate anymore. A woman will fight until she claws your eyes out. Only men have to power to stop it, in fact, it’s our duty. If it’s minor thing, I usually grin and tell her to stop being a brat. If an argument starts getting heated, I tell her in my biggest, baddest voice, “You need to calm down.” Repeat until she shuts up. Walk away if necessary.
Also note this: I have had several LTRs, I even lived with one for a few years, but I have never had issues with them like I have in my marriage. In an LTR, you can just walk away, hit the next button. In marriage you are bound. It changes things.
I think we are too apt to dismiss LTRs as free from the reigns of marriage, which theoretically is true, but the longer the “L” in the equation, the more the dynamics come to resemble that of a marriage. I’m speaking purely of the social dynamics within the marriage, not of the pragmatic legal and cultural concerns. I think any added “benefits” you experienced in your LTRs were at best a placebo effect. Knowing that you are under no legal (ie, financial) obligation allows you to effectively perceive the relationship in a freer and less constrained manner (which affects your affect, probably for the better). Obviously, this also comes to play in the female’s attitude and whereas within the marriage, once you say I Do, she immediately assumes the entitled, ownership role, the same process takes longer to achieve in an LTR, but it does happen. The longer it lasts, the more likely she will fall into the same comfortable mindset as well.
Essentially this is what competition is all about. Asserting your masculinity in a clever, forceful and disarming manner as possible.
Btw, when I originally wrote my first comment, about the struggles of a two career marriage, I was hoping you could give some anecdotes from your life. Things that work, things that don’t.
Flahute’s comments are right on. The trouble with arguing with a woman is that you might let fly something harsh, and she’ll remember what you said verbatim, and it will be brought up again in a later argument. The way to effectively argue is to maintain frame, and call her out on her bs in an appropriate manner.
The biggest trouble I have is responding effectively when she’s pushing a serious conversation about the relationship. Tough to evade, but engage in the conversation and it’s like following the hamster as she bounces around from topic to topic. And in all that, it’s almost impossible to misstep somewhere along the way.
Essentially this is what competition is all about. Asserting your masculinity in a clever, forceful and disarming manner as possible.
The method to do this will vary from woman to woman and situation to situation.
Aloofness and casual disinterest is not a bad idea; punctuated by displays of concern.
Making her do the hoop jumping is key. The risk is that if you do it, she’ll be momentarily placated but will, long-term, lose respect for you.
What you’re really talking about is surviving LTR shit-tests.
An Unmarried Man-
Essentially, what is “Game” if not a disguised form of male/female competition?
Game isn’t about competing with a female on an equal footing. Not whatsoever. It’s about manipulating a girl to be your follower and submissive to you.
As has been said before here, in a LTR a good leading man will very much take his girl’s interests and preferences into consideration, if they’re strong ones. But he’ll be overall in charge of the decision. He’ll have the edge. That doesn’t mean he can’t and should delegate a lot. He should.
Isn’t the act of “manipulating” the same as asserting your superior social skills in order to be the victor in this little mating dance? Who cares if the footing is equal or not; it’s where you are after the game. In fact, more often than not, at the outset, the footing will be somewhat equal. The competition lies in the maneuvering. Not quite sure why you are so intent on vanquishing the concept of competition.
Basically the whole idea of women competing with men they’re emotionally involved with is an extremely poor feminist trope that I want no part of. Now sure, competing in unimportant areas is fine and fun. Games and so on. But not generally in the relationship. Also if you don’t usually win in games or sports you agree to play with her, pick other ones. It’s not healthy. It just isn’t.
Or pick another less feminist girl. Feminist women should be avoided for LTRs anyway. Poisonous ideology. Reject them.