Ignore the Thesaurus

Many moons ago, when I was just getting the blog going, Flahute chimed in with a suggestion. It was a good suggestion as Neruda has made frequent appearances in the months since. Though he doesn’t comment often, when he does it’s worthwhile. Better, for me, those worthwhile comments usually inspire a post or two.  In keeping with that tradition, Flahute left the following in a comment on Tuesday’s post:

I didn’t even know that your wife had a career. So it really piqued my interest to read about your debate about leadership in your marriage. I face a similar struggle myself. Our marriage is often too equal and therefore a perpetual power struggle. I would be very interested in your experiences in this realm. Other bloggers like Athol seem to be gifted enough to be married to completely submissive women and there is no one talking about how to maintain a successful marriage to a (feminist influenced) woman who rationally thinks she wants equality even though that’s not how things play out all the time in the relationship.

Fuck equality in marriage. It’s a practical impossibility. It’s unwise. Striving to achieve equality only serves to anger both people involved.

With that out of the way, let’s move on.

The goal is fairness. Though fair and equal are often conflated, they are distinct concepts. Think of it this way, if you give two women an equal amount of herpes, have you treated them fairly? Or, as Alkibiades deftly put it:

Somewhere along the way the idea that marriage is an equal partnership has become mainstream. It is accepted as gospel. Now I don’t disagree that marriage is a partnership, I do believe the equal bit has gone too far. Equal in responsibilities? How so? Are the responsibilities equally split down the middle? Half the house work done by each? Half the money spending choices by each? Half the diaper duties by each? Ad nauseam? I dare say it is an impossibility. Instead what I have seen is a distribution of labor that both parties feel is equitable while not being truly equal.

The mistake that many men make when they take the idea of an equal partnership too seriously is deferring to their spouse in the decision making process. They place their significant other on an equal footing as themselves in the relationship. In the worst case scenario they put their spouse up on a pedestal in all things. In either case the results are the same. The fundamental flaw in this thinking is that it does not recognize or take into account the hypergamous nature of women. . .

Putting your spouse or girlfriend on an equal footing with you is an attraction killer.  Whether women will admit it or not, there is no equal in their mind when it comes to relationships.  There are those above her and those below her.

The attraction factor is the key to dealing with a strong-willed woman who has sipped from the cup of feminism, regardless of how deeply and thoroughly she ingested the contents of that cup. Couple fairness with silent leadership and maintain your higher status and you’ll short-circuit all predilections for equality.

Start small. Back when I believed in equality, Penelope and I on occasion fought about that most important of topics – what restaurant to go to. That’s a really stupid thing to fight about, but that didn’t stop me. I take opinions into consideration and then get mad about them, dammit. “Where do you want to go?” “I don’t want to go there, how about Mexican food?” “We ate Mexican food 4 days ago. Let’s go here?”  This would continue ad nauseam and we’d end up splitting the difference such that the result was going somewhere mediocre that neither of us really wanted to go to. Now, when we do get to go out to eat, I don’t ask, I tell. “Let’s meet at X for lunch at noon.” We don’t always end up going to X, but by framing it thusly I take the lead in the process and avoid straying into equality/argument territory. (Dave used the same example. It’s a good example.)

This understanding extends to everything.

In other words, it’s all about subtlety. It’s all about your demeanor and tone of voice. Tell, don’t ask, but don’t be a dick about it. Involve her in the decision-making process, don’t ignore her opinions. Take her wants and needs into consideration. Doing so helps circumvent the shields modern society and college classrooms taught her to erect. The raising of those shields is a Pavlovian response, not a natural response. By being strong, daresay manly, but also being considerate of her, you avoid those Pavlovian responses. “I know how much you’ve wanted a new car and it really is time to replace yours. I’ve done some research and think this is the best model. The dealership by your office has one in white, I know how much you like white cars, and the salesman’s name is Mandrake. He’s expecting you to swing by for a test drive sometime between 3 and 4.”

Notice the subtlety. She can say no, she doesn’t like the car. You then present a new choice, again based on important things like quality, performance, and price, and let her make a superficial decision.  Fair, but not equal.

In her mind, though, it is equal. You went to lunch together. You picked out a new car together. It doesn’t matter that the starting positions for those examples were limited. What matters is that you did take her opinion into consideration.

Ignore what your woman rationally thinks she wants insofar as equality is concerned. She’s regurgitating nonsense, not offering an honest opinion. Don’t directly tell her she’s full of it. Let your actions speak for you. Instead of challenging her and asking her to openly admit she enjoys it when you take the reigns and lead the household, just take the reigns and lead the household. She’ll be too happy to question it. Moreover, she’ll be able to spin it to the girls in the office or Facebook as the exact opposite. “I told Flahute he needed to buy me a new car and he did.” They’ll all admire how strong a leader she is and how equal a marriage you two share. She’ll take pride in her strength and leadership. No one but you ever need know the truth.