Battling for the Newest Muse

Sofia and Talleyrand

I’ve been cuckolded by my matchmakers. Sofia has only provided me with a few sporadic hits. Rather than lavish her attentions on Hidden Leaves, she’s been inundating Seasons of Tumult and Discord with traffic.

Normally, I would not tangle with the gods, but a man who goes by Ulysses has to engage in a little hubris lest the plot start to stagnate. So tangle with the gods I shall. Polyphemus will be again blinded; Helios’ cattle will again be slaughtered. My men will be killed and I will suffer mightily. My only respite will be a brief 7 year stint with Calypso.

I always knew this move would be necessary. I did ally myself with Alkibiades, a man who describes himself thusly:  ”Alkibiades was a statesman, aristocrat, and general for the City-State of Athens during the later part of the Peloponnesian War.  He was a bit of a scoundrel and at various stages of the war advised the Spartans and the Persians as well as his native Athens.  He has been born again to play one side off against the other for his own benefit!” Al’s partner, Talleyrand, is the devil. Sofia Vergara looks like this.

I cannot let a woman of that quality slide into the night with he of shifting allegiances and the devil. I must make her mine. Alkibiades attempted to resurrect the title of killer of dreams with his bold appropriations; he will succeed. Unfortunately for Al, the dreams killed shall be his own. Thanks to my brilliant tutelage and predilections, he may have learned the true value of an ass like this, but he will now learn the value of that stupidest of clichés – ’tis better to have loved and lost as the mammary bank is an invaluable tool for dry spells.

Oh, Sofia. Your dalliances with STD should have been hindered by those initials alone. Even beyond that clue, there are the aforementioned characteristics of STD’s proprietors. They will never make you an honest woman. I will, though with a few caveats.

First, I have two daughters and no Telemachus. As such, they cannot protect my Penelope against the ravaging herds of suitors in my absence. There will be no island getaways and turning my men into pigs is strictly prohibited.

As I already have one wife, monogamy is also off the table. We might move to Utah or I might just bitch-slap the lawmakers in my state into letting us do whatever we want. Then, my sweet Sofia Vergara, I shall see you naked. You, glorious Sofia Vergara, will be wet. Sometimes, you will even be clothed and we will have picnics. Penelope and you will feed me grapes and wine, then strip naked for a patented Sofia Vergara tickle-fight. Our lives together will be magnificent.

This move is risky, but I do not suffer muse-theft lightly. My protectress is on my side and she is quite adept at lobbying Zeus. Sofia will take her rightful place in my coterie and Alkibiades of the killed dreams will be left to cry in his Cheerios. Sorry my friend, but it has to be done.

Sofia Vergara preparing to feed me grapes and start a tickle-fight