In the Mouth of a Desert

Amanda Marcotte, writing for Slate, recently celebrated the fact that more women feel free to remain childless than in times past.

Part of this new self-awareness might mean that women are forsaking motherhood because we’re finally admitting that it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. As last week’s New York magazine cover story documented, parenthood is becoming increasingly miserable because of the exploding expectations placed on mothers—making the child-free lifestyle seem all the more attractive. In 1988, only 39 percent of Americans disagreed with the notion that the childless “lead empty lives.” Now a majority—59 percent—disagree that childlessness automatically means you’re unfulfilled.

I’m not here to bang the ‘have kids’ drum. I’m of the opinion that a friend of Penelope’s, and mother of four, was correct when she said, “You might regret not having kids. You’ll never regret having them.” Notice the might. You might, you might not. It’s a personal choice. Just make sure the personal choice isn’t based on idiotic bullshit.

But clearly there are upsides to childlessness. Just looking around my own apartment, I can see the value in furniture that’s gone unruined, cats that have gone unbothered, and a distinct lack of toys cluttering up my floor.

Yes, furniture and cats (8 so far!) are definitely the markers of a happy, fulfilling life. Was lying too much trouble? “I really like travel and cocaine. Kids interfere with those activities.” See how much better that sounds? Cats and furniture my ass.

Marcotte also surveyed other raisins in waiting.

Most felt their desire not to have children is perfectly normal, and were frustrated by stereotypes about women’s biological clocks and the universal desirability of children. Gayle, age 30, drolly observed, “My ovaries do not stir when I see a baby.” Author and filmmaker Laura Scott, who is working on a larger project examining the lives of the childless by choice has found that “lack of maternal/paternal instinct” rated in the top six reasons that respondents gave for their decision, along with reasons such as we “love our life [or] our relationship, as it is” and we “do not want to take on the responsibility.”

I do think that the idea of the ‘natural mother’ is a myth. As Talleyrand wrote:

Our society pushes the myth of the natural mother.   The idea that a woman can “have it all” is a strain of this myth because it says you can work, entertain, save the world and be a good mother all at the same time.  Despite the evidence that men had to sacrifice something to “have it all” on their side, (often their relationships with their children), women and our society still believe this.

The Social Pathologist touched on the clinical side of things for those women who are mothers, but don’t find it natural:

My biggest problem in getting women to put their children in child care is other women: Particularly, natural mothers. That is women to whom motherhood is a constant joy. The problem here is that these women continually drop snide remarks toward those who put their children in child care. Women, being social animals, are far more sensitive to these remarks than men and are constantly on the defensive with regard to their reputation amongst other women. The net result is that a woman with post natal depression wants to get some space from the kids but feels guilty for wanting to. . .

If a woman’s natural place is in the home, looking after the children, then it would seem to imply that women should possess the natural temperament to look achieve this. The reality is that a lot of women find looking after children highly stressful, stressful to the point that PND ensures. Some women aren’t meant to stay at home with the kids.

Not all women are natural mothers. For some, children will be horribly stressful, though these mothers will overcome the stress and succeed at raising the kids. For others, they’ll never get over the desire to bolt every time they change a particularly disgusting diaper. It’s probably a net gain to society if the latter don’t procreate as they will always be anxious to divest themselves of their children and the responsibilities those children generate.

Marcotte concludes:

Could these childless women be harbingers of a new world, one in which parenthood is considered an active choice and not simply the default state of adulthood? As the Pew research shows, childlessness was once the domain of the highly educated, but now every other segment of society is catching up. Perhaps future generations will look at phenomena like the Jennifer Aniston tabloid womb obsession and wonder how it was possible that anyone could have once cared so much if some women chose not to have babies.

The above is the point in which Marcotte’s agenda breaks free. Despite her protests to the contrary, this is about selfishness and coupling that selfishness with group norms. The female desire to fit in, to be normal, and to sit atop the hierarchy is strong, much stronger than it is with men, and the declining birth rate is not affecting the order of the hierarchy. Until a majority of women choose not to have children, the married mothers will always be the queens of the group.

Even if that happens, though, I am not convinced that biology won’t rear its ugly head when those ladies creep farther from 30 and closer to 40. Biology is a harsh mistress and I’ve seen her win too many times. As Steven Malkmus of Pavement sang in the song from which this post borrowed a title:

can you treat it like an oil well
when it’s underground out of sight?
and if the sight is just a whore sign
can it make enough sense to me?
pretend the table is a trust knot
we’ll put our labels down faith is down
and watch the yards of twine unravel
and you’ll never get it back

it’s what i want (it’s what i want)
it’s what i want (twine comes down)
it’s what i want (it’s what i want)
don’t you know
I could make a try

Though obtuse, and in no way related to any of the articles or topics I’ve mentioned, that sums it up nicely. Can you treat the decision as a vast reserve, just waiting to be tapped or do you have to acknowledge the resource is finite? Are you that comfortable with knowing that once the choice is gone, it is truly gone? If it’s really just about what you want, why spend so much time trying to justify it to others, why protest so much? Unravel the ball of twine with glee and watch your cats pounce.