Give Her the Old Van Helsing

Married with kids sex is a different species than single or married without kids sex. Kids hang around. Young ones can’t feed themselves or open doors. They don’t know things like hot is dangerous or water poured on the floor makes messes. In short, they need your help and guidance, pretty much constantly, except when they are asleep. If you have a reasonably smart dog, she can pitch in, but dogs tend to steal the kids’ food and knock them over if they see a squirrel or other critter. Dogs can also be rather possessive of plush toys.

Though kids do require a plethora of care, they do go to bed early though and when they do, good lord, watch out, cause you, you are worn the fuck out. Seriously. Gymnastic sex is not a high priority. You’re much more interested in a cocktail and some sleep. You don’t even need a bed, quiet, or dark. Particularly when they are really young, you can sleep standing up next to a freight train crossing under the noon sun. In light of such obstacles, what’s a man to do?

Abjure nighttime as the only time. Embrace daylight hours as your friend. Go for the Afternoon Delight.

That’s right. Rub those sticks and stones together and make the sparks ignite. Get those sky rockets in flight. Don’t let her forget you’ve got your bait, the old wedding tackle, waiting and you’re looking for a nibble. Take advantage of the kids’ nap time and the lingering effects of that morning’s caffeine and get busy.

There’s an added bonus from the afternoon delight, one that’s just become relevant thanks to the zeitgeist. If she’s still into you and getting off while the sun’s out, and you’re not sparkling, you don’t have a would-be fang banger. But if she calls you Jacob, you’ve got other obstacles to overcome. Just make sure she’s talking Team Jacob, and not just about some dude named Jacob, before you get creative. You don’t want to get shot.