The Truck Nutz Don’t Offset the Bumper Sticker

These bumper stickers are fairly prevalent in my neck of the woods. Recently, Penelope pointed one out and said, “I want you to get one of those.” I ignored her smirk and obvious jest. Some jokes don’t deserve the dignity of a response. Perhaps it’s just that I was feeling slow and couldn’t come up with something sufficiently smart-assed until well after the moment had passed. In any case, I don’t do bumper stickers; I especially don’t do bumper stickers that say, “I’m a giant pansy-ass and my wife chugs the cock whenever I’m away at men’s conferences.” Whether you’re a Promise Keeper or just pussy-whipped, the above bumper sticker will not keep your wife tingly for you. She might tingle for your buddy who makes fun of the bumper sticker, though, so if your love runs that deep, you will guarantee that your wife has a steady cavalcade of cocks at her disposal.

What is especially unsettling about the above bumper sticker is that organization from which it sprung was ostensibly about men. One of the founders was a college football coach. It has a reputation as an organization that’s all about patriarchy.

Brother, where I come from patriarchy doesn’t entail taking the blame for every ill society faces. Men may have been complicit in feminizing the West, but such complicity had nothing to do with masculinity. Instead, it represented a part and parcel trade of masculinity for less sex and dumbass supplicant bumper stickers. Moreover, telling your woman she’s a special pure virgin snowflake who must be protected is not a sign that you’re in charge. What does the entirety of your life revolve around? Yeah, that’s not patriarchy.

This attitude manifests itself in other ways. Hestia has a post up about secrets in relationships. In the opening she states:

Far too often it seems secrets are thought to be the realm of the deceitful, the dishonest, and the unkind. Quite a few marriage books suggest boundaries be neglected so that a couple can share all of their secrets, forgo privacy, and bond in an open book sort of way. Some marriage advice I’ve heard has encouraged couples to share email passwords and forgo the pleasures of a private journal tucked away in a desk drawer in order to build open lines of communication where no affairs or deceit can come about. All of this saying that privacy, boundaries, and the treasures tucked away to be revealed in due time are somehow wrong or inappropriate.

I commented on the email phenomenon and Hestia replied:

“Wemail” is a special sort of creepy imho. I’ve known couples who shared email accounts and also husbands who would check over all of their wives emails to keep tabs on them as good Christian patriarchs.

It’s been said, numerous times, that the revival won’t come from the hardcore Christian conservatives. This is why. If you have to keep that much control over your wife, then she will find a way to step out when you’re not around. If you don’t keep any secrets from her, then you lose any air of mystery, the tingles will vanish, and she will have no choice but to step out on you.

I’ve seen the I Love My Wife bumper sticker paired with Truck Nutz. At first I thought it was cognitive dissonance. Then I realized that the wife had just helped decorate the husband’s vehicle. Much as moms will have baby shoes bronzed, wives will do this to their husbands formerly-attached testicles. Hang ‘em out there alongside your love. She may be riding on the seat right next to you, but she’s keeping her eyes focused on what’s available outside the passenger window. Just because it’s your truck doesn’t mean she can’t use it to advertise her own availability.

“Look, boys, his are dangling from the bumper and I’m oh so lonely. Love doesn’t ravage me in the dark of night, but you might.”