Sexy Move: The Motor Boat

Every night is sexy time in my household and there is no reason you shouldn’t have sexy time all the time too.  You want to be known as the plumber in your house because of your skill and smooth pipe laying technique.  I’m here to tell you on one super sexy move that will get those pipe ends lubricated and ensure you have no troubles coupling your spigot to the bell end of your lady’s pipe.  No wait a minute.  Strike that.  You want to be known as the ship’s captain as you plow a furrow with your boat through the raging waters of your wife or LTR’s passion.  Yeah, that’s the metaphor I was looking for.

Back in the Time Before Writing, but after the Time of Boats had arrived, man struggled to move his boat without the aid of a motor. Rowing, though an indicator of fitness and strength, tired the arms and made the missionary position more difficult as the arms were wobbly from all that rowing. It also prevented man from performing as the ship’s captain because he was too busy propelling the vessel. If man was not the captain, how could he expect his woman to be his first mate? Man realized he needed a new method of propulsion. Wheels were of no use when it came to plowing forth over the raging waters. So man, being clever and resourceful, invented the boat motor.  Rather, he learned how to apply the motor boat to navigate the path between the buoys floating atop the raging waters of his wife or LTR’s passion.

Now, Navigating the buoys of your wife or LTR’s passion can be a tricky thing.  A skilled ship driver has a sense of passion’s currents, and will know when to idle the motor and when to gun it.  These buoys aren’t just for decoration.  They are a multipurpose informational tool communicating a myriad of information to you, the ship’s captain.  Her buoys will be the weather beacon of your love.  The better you motoring skill, the higher the seas of passion.  They can also be your channel marker.  Don’t get too close to one buoy in your quest for perfect love making only to forget that these buoys come in pairs.  In some cases they will be a hazard marker closing off the dangerous shoals that your poor driving skills have led you into.  Ultimately you want these buoys to register the rising waters of your passionate love making skills, much like a tsunami buoy measures the surface elevation of the seas.  Under no uncertain terms do you want to treat these buoys like targets for your weapon’s payload, and never leave them as wreck buoys marking the hollowed out hull of your love.

Instead, the accomplished captain will gently navigate his ship past the no-wake zone before arming the torpedo and increasing speed. Once the buoys have risen and the current strengthened, the captain places himself firmly between the buoys and revs the engine. At this point the first mate’s waters should be a torrent of ecstasy and anticipation. Upon seeing your, the ship’s captain, waiting torpedo, she will say, “Ram the torpedo! Full speed ahead!” A good captain, though, doesn’t let the first mate steer the ship.

No, no, that just won’t do.  You the man must control the helm and the throttle.  Pace yourself.  This is your wheel house.  You’re in charge here.  Proper technique must be followed at all times.  Begin by grasping her fun bags as you would a pair of belaying pins.  Make sure your grip is firm but not so tight as to cause her pain discomfort to be distracted from the purr of the motor.  Next, liberally apply the external lubrication your motor will desperately need as its RPMs wind up.  Pay attention to both the walls and the valley of her Mariana trench.  Your motor is rough and lack of lubrication can lead to unnecessary wear and tear as well as scoring of walls and floor.  When you’re ready puff out your cheeks and lower you head like a bathysphere entering the deep water. Once your mouth has come into contact with the floor of the trench, begin revving up your motor. Remember, you should start slow and build up.  At your peak rpm you should be hitting the walls and floor exuberantly.  If you can work it in, add a couple of verbal cues so she can get into the spirit of the moment. Pause to exclaim, ‘land ho!’ and ‘dive, dive, dive!’ or other such nautical phrases.

Such exclamations reinforce your standing as the captain and establish your mastery of the helm. At this point, the motor is properly lubed, warmed up, and cranking along at a nice clip. More important, the first mate’s life preservers are undulating with the rhythm of your expertly guided motoring. Now is the time to stir up the chop and move away from the shore of the gentle pleasure cruise and into the wide open space of a full-fledged regatta. There is but one leg of this Sexy Move voyage to complete before plowing headlong into the the furrow of the first mate’s raging passions. Rev the engine to maximum velocity and motor boat your first mate with the reckless abandon of a horny virgin in a champagne room. The first mate will be whimpering and again pleading with you to proceed full speed ahead. Not yet, captain. A good captain knows when to let the first mate spend some quality time with the throttle. As such, the experienced captain will quiet the motor, stand up, whip out the torpedo, and say, “Your turn.”

Remember to be smiling a very naughty boy Captain Keith Richards Jack Sparrow smile as you do this, be playful NOT serious in tone. If you think you’re going to blow it, wave your member around like a flag reminding her that this whole experience is for her pleasure not yours.  Don’t treat your dick like a defensive prop.  So anyway, then you spring that you are in fact looking for some reciprocity.  Hey baby, it’s my turn. The Captain’s Nemo does eventually want to get 20,000 leagues into Davy Jones’ locker. He just needs a little motoring thrown in his direction and a fresh coat of varnish on the mast before he’s seaworthy. She’s been begging you to take her on a cruise, how can she refuse such an offer?

This post is a collaborative effort written by Alkibiades and Ulysses.