Stoic, not Stone

T. aka Ricky Raw has a great series going called 31 Days of Game. Day 12 was devoted to clearing up misconceptions that had arisen during the previous 11 days’ postings. In general, some readers had latched onto bits of advice and surmised that Ricky was advising men to be unfeeling autocrats who bark orders at their women, denigrate them, and generally show less emotion than the toaster.

When I say “Make decisions,” that doesn’t mean I’m recommending you to take away someone else’s options. Just to be decisive about what you want. The other person still has room to negotiate and sway you, but the point is you avoid that dance of “I dunno, what do you want to do?”

When I say to “tell, don’t ask,” that doesn’t mean bark orders at a woman or do it in a rude, crass or snarky way. Even if she shuts you down, at least you sounded confident and self-assured, which made a good impression. Remember, it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.

When I say advise you to accept anything a woman gives you and don’t be afraid to give her errands when she offers to run some for you, this does not mean you go overboard and become a slavedriver barking orders at her and looking for errands and chores to unload on her. It just means that you give her the chance to be useful to you, which is important to any good woman.

This is important advice for the modern man. Though our grandfathers and fathers contributed to the society in which we now find ourselves, they were most likely more comfortable with the changes they were encountering because they were comfortable being men. They were confidant in their masculinity. This has nothing to do with sexual orientation, mind you, but with frame of mind. When you spent time trudging through frozen mud with little food, only to emerge into enemy fire and survive, you didn’t need advice about being decisive. When that survival was followed by sneaking into an enemy camp for the purpose of radioing in coordinates so the Allies could bomb the camp from which you were radioing, you didn’t need someone to tell you to be terse. When you spent summers scouting cotton fields and getting sprayed with pesticides, you aren’t afraid to take advantage of a lady’s offers. When you spent time languishing in the modern self-esteem factories known as school with little mental stimulation and much vitriol directed at your masculinity, you might need to someone to tell you to not supplicate yourself, constantly demur, or blow in the breeze.

Ricky’s next clarification regards a statement which seems to have generated much confusion.

When I say your woman can’t be your best friend and confidante doesn’t mean you go so far as to show no emotional vulnerability and refuse to share anything at all for fear of being weak. You can show moments of weakness; you just can’t indicate that you are chronically helpless.

Both men and women are wont to disagree with this statement. It is contrary to the conception of relationships we’ve grown up with. It is nonetheless correct.

The key is that you’re supposed to inspire confidence and bring feelings of security not fear and resentment. . .

The whole point of this is to make the woman in your life feel happy and secure thanks to your leadership and steadiness, not feel terrorized of saying the wrong thing and feeling oppressed thanks to your insecure bullying. Whenever you read any advice on this blog, keep this in mind.

That sums it up nicely. If you want your girl to stay wet for you, you need to inspire confidence. You want her to feel secure. Matching her emotional state, whining, sharing every fear or self-doubt you have with her, griping, complaining, and the like do not inspire confidence and promote feelings of security. They inspire apprehension and promote feelings of uncertainty. Apprehension and uncertainty are not attractive conditions. They are particularly unattractive in men. Think about the romantic comedies you’ve seen (don’t lie, you’ve seen a few.) Who gets the girl at the end? It wasn’t the doting and accommodating nice guy, was it? It was the confident and decisive cad who gave the female lead what she actually yearned for, deep in her primitive zones and irrespective of her proclamations to the contrary, who found himself lounging in post coital bliss. Why? The decisive and confident cad, flush with irreverent wit (i.e. quick with the neg), is a balanced man. He is tender without being soft, he is comforting without becoming the human equivalent of a pint of Haagen-Dazs, he sheds one solitary almost imperceptible tear every few years.

If you want to be the man in someone’s life, then decisiveness, stoicism, the ability to shut up, and the occasional show of weakness or self-doubt are paramount. If you want to be the eternal best friend, then cry, relate, discuss, dither, and collaborate to your heart’s content. Just make sure you buy plenty of tissues and lotion for yourself when you’re at the store doing her shopping.