The Divining Rod

If you’re like me, you were born in the mid 70s, went to a private Episcopal elementary school, moved onto a dysfunctional junior high, and then to a really dysfunctional high school with a mediocre graduation rate. You also had a classic man as a father who was not beholden to white knight lies and who had a strong libertine streak that ran counter to old school American/Puritan values. As a result, you are steeped in sex education. You weren’t merely listening to songs about sweating all the girls in their biker shorts, half the girls in class with you were wearing biker shorts. And they were being heavily sweated.

But in the midst of all those girls in the biker shorts and lessons about condom application and sexuality, you never learned how to fuck your woman good. That topic was off the table. When it did come up, never in the classroom proper, it was always a variation of pleasuring a girl that really had nothing to do with fucking her good. Mostly you were inculcated in the school of foreplay. Consequently, you never learned shit.

Never fear, fellow traveler, Ulysses is here to help.

The knowledge you seek is not held in any book, class, or website. All you have to do is let your dick do the listening. His ears are small and imperceptible, but they are powerful. They gather info from the audible, supersonic, and ultrasonic spectra of sound. Those ears will never let you down.

See, it’s not about your mouth. Everybody is hung up on the mouth. The mouth is good, it’s a useful tool, but eating pussy is not fucking. Yet, too often the info we were fed was completely focused on eating pussy. Unless you’re a lesbian, that’s just the beginning. Sure, sure, some girls like the flick, some the trace of the alphabet, some a clockwise swirl, some a counterclockwise swirl. Unless you are really incompetent when it comes to stroking the pussy, though, swirls are only the appetizer. You’ve got to dowse the pussy.

According to Wikipedia, which ain’t great but is good enough for my purposes:

Dowsing is a type of divination employed in attempts to locate ground water, buried metals or ores, gemstones, oil, gravesites,  and many other objects and materials, as well as so-called currents of earth radiation, without the use of scientific apparatus. Dowsing is also known as divining (especially in reference to interpretation of results), doodlebugging (in the US), or (when searching specifically for water) water finding or water witching.

Here’s what a dowsing rod, or divining rod, looks like:

Imagine this rod standing on it’s forked ends. Now imagine yourself when fully turgid. What would reside in the same space as the forks? What in the same space as the straight portion?

You’re damn right.

Stop reading. Stop theorizing. Stop listening to anything other than your shaft. That head is the one that knows what the pussy wants. You have the tools to be a water warlock. All you have to do is let your own divining rod lead you to wetness. If it’s not trembling, vibrating, and pointing you in the right direction, then you need to readjust, recalibrate, and find that which you seek. If you execute this technique properly, the trembling and vibrating will end in a glorious geyser to be enjoyed by both of you.

And when she’s, “Wow, baby, tonight you were a bad mother,” cut her off and say, “Shut your mouth.” She’ll say, “Hey, I’m just trying to talk about Shaft.” Then you can smile and say, “You damn right!”

Dig it?